Where There's a Monster, There's a Miracle
by S. Whiner
Summary: The curse has been broken and Akito and Shigure begin their new life. However, something throws a wrench into their plans. Spoilers for whole manga; het. Dark themes, angst.
1. Chapter 1

**Notes, Disclaimers: All characters and situations used without permission for no profit. Spoilers for the whole Fruits Basket manga. Warnings: Swears, sexual situations, pregnancy. Title is a quote I saw in Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman**

I could feel Ren's cold eyes on my midsection. I felt rage well up inside my chest. I hated my mother's eyes. Ren smirked and finally spoke. "I see that you and Shigure haven't been using anything. I guess you must think of the heir, as you certainly haven't held up your end of the bet, you useless, stupid child." I gritted my teeth. I remembered Shigure presenting me with a woman's kimono to celebrate the new me. The new me would not throw anything, even at someone as awful as my mother. I turned on my heel. "I see you're not feeling well…good-bye, mother". I was shaking with rage. Tohru made it sound so easy- just talk to her, kindly. But some things are beyond repair.

--

I returned to my bedroom- our bedroom. Shigure was sitting on the floor- computer on his lap, typing away. I sat down and leaned against him. He stroked my hair. "Shigure…" I said, feeling some of my rage recede. He placed his laptop on the floor, and kissed me. He looked into my eyes and said, "We have plenty of time. No meetings today." I looked down and fiddled with my ring.

"Maybe we should…use something from now on." Shigure looked at me in surprise. We hadn't used any contraception from that first time in the garden, when I cried more from the joy of being called beautiful and held than from the pain.

"What brings this up?" he said.

I shook my head. "Maybe we should be more responsible…it's different now…"

Shigure laughed.

I felt myself flushing. Sure, there was the time while we were packing his stuff from his old house and he had me over his writing table. And maybe there was the time when we were at a Sohma business meeting and he had me in the bathroom, and I almost had forgotten the time right after our wedding… "I'd just be a terrible mother! I put Kisa in the hospital! I'm a monster! I don't deserve to have a child! " I blurted out.

Shigure smiled fondly at me.

--

I found myself sitting in Hatori's office. He came in looking happier than I had seen him in a long time. Maybe as happy as he was when he was with Kana. Kana…I could still see her face in the days after I had injured Hatori's eye. But here Hatori was, smiling at me, and asking me why I had come in. I couldn't meet his good eye. "I thought maybe I should get some birth control."

Hatori looked shocked. "What's this all of a sudden?"

I felt my voice wavering. "Don't you and Mayu use something?"

Hatori looked a bit embarrassed but he nodded. "But you've never asked before."

"I can ask whenever I want!" I yelled, and then caught myself. "Anyway, that's not important. Just give me the pills."

Hatori sighed. "Well...we just need to do an exam, and run a few tests…"

I walked down the hall to Hatori's office, a week later. Hiro and Kisa were walking towards Hatori's door, holding hands, with big smiles on their faces. Hinata was holding onto her big brother's hand as well. Kisa looked in my direction. She froze, and dropped Hiro's hand. "Uh…Akito…we just came to show Hatori my new high school uniform.."

The blue and white of the uniform of Yuki and Kyo's former high school set off her orange hair wonderfully.

Hinata was waving in my direction "Hi…hi…Aki'. I crouched down and rubbed her shock of brown hair.

"Hi.Hinata", I said. Hinata started to cry. I looked up and Hiro's hand was almost crushing in its grip on hers. "You don't have to hold her hand that hard, Hiro" I said and walked into Hatori's office. He was efficiently shuffling papers on his desk. "Hatori, do you have my pills?" I said.

"No.", he said. "You're pregnant, and I can't give birth control pills to a pregnant woman". I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. It was like father's box- I knew and I didn't know. I knew I was gaining weight, but food simply seemed to taste better since the curse had lifted. My larger, more sensitive breasts? Simply weight gain and the happiness of a newly wed. No period? I was irregular anyway. When you are constantly ill, and sometimes don't eat for days, that happens. I had foolishly thought I could be saved. I had felt that the lifting of the curse was finally a light on my pitch-black path. I had been deluding myself.

--

After that, I went to the hospital. I had been fooling myself for five months. No wonder Ren had said those things- a woman watching me like a hawk for any weakness would of course see my weight gain, especially where it centered. I returned to my-our- room and lay down on the futon. I think I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with Shigure holding me. I snuggled into his arms. "Gure…"

Shigure nibbled my ear. "Hatori told me. When are you announcing it?"

I stiffened. "I don't know. I can't have this baby".

He rubbed my back. "Aren't you a bit far along for that?"

"I don't see why you want to bring a child into this family. We're cursed."

He started to rub my belly. "Akito, the curse is broken. I'll never transform again, nor will any other of the Zodiac."

I shook my head. "There's more to being cursed than just transforming. I didn't need to transform to make Ren regret that I ever came out of her body. And Kureno…" I could feel Shigure shift uncomfortably against me, but I continued "He once told me that one of the head maids yelled at him for rescuing Rin from the Cat's room. She could have died there, and what would we have done then?" I was crying again.

Shigure rubbed my neck. "I guess I still feel sorry for anyone born in this family"

--

I walked to the gardens to get some air, and clear my head. I felt like everyone was looking at me, but thought I was just being paranoid. I sat down in one of my favorite spots, near the camellia bushes. Quiet at last I thought, but I was wrong.

"Do you really think Akito is pregnant?" said a voice.

"Of course! Akito's always been so thin, but now he…I mean she is plump! And glowing! And with what she and that dirty novelist get up to every morning, noon and night, I wouldn't be surprised!", said another.

The first voice laughed. "Really, that novelist is a dish. What does he see in him…I mean her? Didn't she push a girl out of a window?"

The second voice moderated her tone, but still was loud enough for me to hear. "She's the head of the family- woman or not- with all that money and power- I'd marry her if she'd have me!" I peeked at the source of the voices. Two maids. I didn't even know their names. I wondered if everyone knew. That would make getting the abortion…difficult. There was already the scandal around my true gender. Part of the family seemed to be in almost open revolt about this. I finally had to close the discussion of this in our business meetings. I wished that I had Kureno around to go to the meetings and do my work for me, but Kureno had vanished into the countryside with his new blonde girlfriend- one of Tohru's friends- Arisa or something, and left me to do my work myself. "Errrgh" I said. I wished that I had something to throw, and someone to throw it at.

--

I sat at my desk, squinting at some papers. I had no idea what the business case for the Sohma Corporation's brand of kimche-flavored soft drinks was, nor what any of the graphs meant. I think I had Kureno do my math homework for me too. Shigure sat down beside me. I looked at him, hoping that he'd explain what was going on. He just shook his head. "Don't ask me. I copied off Hatori's. Anyway, you have a special meeting today. Tohru and Kyo are coming to present their baby. It'd be nice to see Tohru again. High school girls… well, I guess she isn't anymore. Hey, Ayame says you can get a discount on a school girl uniform at his store anytime, Akki."

"Shigure", I said calmly. "There will be no school girl outfits. I have my hair long for you, you know." I adjusted my clip. I kept my hair up as a compromise.

The door slid open. "We're here!" Tohru said. She practically bounced into the room.

I felt my eyes narrowing. "Have you ever heard of knocking?"

"Uh…I was going to knock, but I was just so excited to see you, Akito!" Tohru said.

Tohru was wearing a casual top and a straight skirt, and a small bundle was in her arms. Kyo walked in behind her. "Tohru, don't piss Akito off." He put his arm around her shoulders.

She turned to him. "But I just wanted her to see Kyoko! She's so cute! Don't you want to hold her, Akito?" She thrust the bundle into my arms. I looked down at it. The creature was sleeping peacefully. She had a small shock of brown hair, with a slight orange tinge. I looked up. Tohru seemed to be expecting me to say something.

"Uh…very cute. It must be tough taking care of a small child in a dojo." I held the baby out to Tohru.

Tohru took the baby and smiled. "Each day is fun! My mother always said to just remember what it was like to be a child! " Tohru just seemed so sincere. I felt even more like a monster beside her.

Shigure seemed to notice my discomfort. "I think Akito's a bit tired"

Tohru glanced at me. "I guess she still tires easily, even though she looks so…healthy now!". I felt a wave of guilt.

Kyo grunted. "Akito doesn't want us here. Let's go." They walked out of the room.

I laid my head down on the desk. "I've got a headache."

Shigure patted my head. "You really looked like a mother there."

I grunted. "Don't write me into your weird fantasies, dog boy."

--

The next day, I was dozing under my favorite windowsill. I used to sit on it all the time, watching the world go by, but I felt awkward sitting on it now. Getting on it was a problem. I heard the rustle of skirts. Great, I'm dreaming of my mother again. I hear her voice in my dream. "I see that you're having a full and useful day." I opened my eyes. Ren was standing in front of me, seeming awfully pleased with herself.

"Why are you in my room? Get back to your room, now!" I yelled.

Ren laughed. "Really, is that the way you greet your mother? No wonder everyone's given up on you."

"Shut up! Get out of here!" Really, why are her attendants so lazy? They just let her slip out whenever she wants. Or maybe, they aren't lazy. They work for her, not for me. I felt her hand on my belly. "Don't touch me, bitch!"

"Bitch? Strong words for someone who shamelessly sits here as the so called head of the family, even though we had a bet, and my terms were met."

I felt myself getting angrier and angrier as she spoke. "I don't care about your stupid bet. Anyway, Shigure came back to me, and Hatori has stayed as well. The others still come back to visit. And even if they never came back to me, I'm not bowing at your feet, and I'm not leaving the Sohma."

She just smiled. "Even if you don't leave, you'll never be happy. I've told everyone about your little bundle of joy, so don't think you can sneak off and get rid of it. I hope it locks you in the back rooms." She strode off triumphantly. I wished that I hadn't promised myself not to strangle her again.

--

I lay in bed, hating her. I wished I were like Tohru, who would have forgiven Ren, and probably invited her in for tea as well. Despite Tohru seeing me as me instead of just the devil or a god, somehow whenever I thought of her, I felt guiltier than anything. The door slid open. Shigure was there, with a stuffed dog in his arms.

"Hello, Akito!" He looked at my tear stained face. "Been talking to your mother again?"

"I hate that bitch. I wish she were dead."

Shigure smiled at me. "Oh ho! I've got the next best thing. We're going to the summer house!"

I sat up. "And what does that have to do with Ren?"

He gave me his most innocent smile. "Oh, it's just so we have nothing to do with those pictures of Ren and one of our chief executives. I mean, we were at the summer house at the time. You come back with a heir, preferably male, and who looks better- a head of the family with a cute baby in arms or some slutty old lady?"

I smiled. "You haven't changed at all, Shigure. I guess she'll be sorry she is in this family after all."

--

The next months passed quickly. Shigure swam in the ocean like his former Zodiac animal. I spent most of my time sleeping under an umbrella. I could almost forget the parasite growing in my body, making me heavier and clumsier. I ate takoyaki by the sea and fanned myself with Shigure's old fan. He still thought it was funny to have a fan with the kanji for dog on it. I tried to keep my mind off the coming child as best as I could.

--

I looked up and saw Haru hovering near the doorway. "Ren? Why are you here?", he said. He was looking straight at me.

I looked around the room. "I don't see any whores here." I didn't remember much of the birth, and some of the last few weeks were fuzzy, but I would have certainly remembered if Ren had come here.

Haru blinked. "I guess it's you, Akito. I couldn't get Rin to come- she says she still doesn't forgive you, but I wanted to at least see the baby." I handed him the creature dozing at my side. Haru held it in one arm, with the other cradling its head. He squinted at it. "It looks exactly like you."

"Everyone says that, but I don't see the resemblance." I shook my head. I understood that there's not much to be said about a baby, but why everyone always said that I had no idea. Shigure walked in with a package under his arm.

Haru glanced at him. "Here's the proud papa."

Shigure tried to catch my eye, but I turned away. He sat on the bed, and patted my head. "You're still mad at me?" He opened the package. I couldn't help looking at him. Inside were a dozen cupcakes with bright red frosting. He carefully removed the paper, tossing it aside right next to my nose, and started to lick the top. I felt even more lightheaded and weak. I could smell the sugar so intensely. I was so intent I was shocked by Haru's voice.

"Akito, I'm sure Shigure would let you have a cupcake. You don't have to drool like that." I glanced at Shigure's face. He gave me a knowing look.

"Of course I wouldn't be so selfish as to not give a cupcake to someone who hasn't eaten in two days! I'm a kind and gentle husband."

I pushed him off the bed. He slid off the low futon with a slight bump. Haru laughed, but then stopped. I looked up at him and he was blushing. The demon child was rooting against his chest. "I love you too, little uh…baby, but I'm promised to Rin.", he said, and handed the baby to me. I offered it a breast and it accepted greedily, smacking and drooling. I handed it off to Shigure, and as he settled the baby across one shoulder, it promptly spit up on him.

He shook his head." I'm glad I'm wearing a yukata. Tsubaki loves to spit up. I'm going to have to get a towel for the fiftieth time today."

"So the baby has a name, and is a girl? I've been wondering about that." Haru said.

Shigure smirked at me and patted Haru on the shoulder. "Well, Haru, won't you eat dinner with us? I think it's eel tonight." Haru nodded and glanced at me.

"I'm not hungry." I said.

I heard Shigure's rueful voice "Suit yourself."

--

I tried to doze for a bit, but of course, I was interrupted. I heard Rin's voice. "Ren? What are you doing here?" I turned toward her. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits. Leather mini skirt, striped sleeveless top, a silver cross around her neck. She stared at me. "Say something! Why are you here?"

I lifted my chin. "Why are you here?" I was getting annoyed at being mistaken for my mother. I would get a hair cut, soon. Long hair was too much trouble.

"Haru said that he was invited for an eel dinner. And I asked you that question!" she looked around the room. "Akito could find you! I couldn't tell you, but Akito locked me in the cat's room when I went to get that box for you!" I jumped a little. Ren was the reason that Rin was poking around in my room? Maybe I shouldn't have locked her in the cat's room, but why was Ren always meddling in my affairs?

"God, I hate that woman" I whispered.

"You hate her too? Everyone says they forgive her, but they are stupid. No one seems to remember that she stabbed Kureno. It's always the other person's fault with her."

I could feel my temperature rising. Maybe I was to blame, but I still wanted to slap her. "Shut up!" – it just seemed to come out. Time seemed to stop, and all I could hear were footsteps.

I heard Shigure's voice. "Rin! Why are you

here chatting with Akito? Don't you want to eat? Or have you joined the noneating club?" I looked up. It seemed that without my volition my hands had slammed over my ears. Shigure had changed into a new yukata, a black one, and Tsubaki was wriggling in his arms.

Rin startled. "Akito…?"

Shigure put on his usual smile. "You don't have to be so surprised, Rin. My wife said she wanted to see the ocean.". He turned to me. "Anyway, the rest of us are going to eat. I guess you can sit there and sulk if you want to."

--

I watched his departing back, and emptiness filled me. Less than a year ago, Shigure looked only at me. I remembered one night. We were out drinking with Shigure's writer friends, but his eyes were on me the entire night. The champagne, the food and the excitement of being someplace new with new people made the evening seem to glow in my memory. At that time, I thought Tohru was right- that I could start again from the beginning. Another memory presented itself. We were out walking and I was admiring a bakery window. Huge cakes with hundreds of sugar roses, little buns with sesame seeds on top and white bean paste inside, and little cupcakes with bright red frosting. Shigure laughed at me, and said, "You act like you've never seen a bakery before."

I smiled at him. I hadn't- I didn't go outside of the family compound often, and I usually dozed on car rides from one place to the other. He grabbed my hand and we went into the bakery. I could have stayed there forever, looking at so much bread and cake. When I looked back at Shigure, he was watching me gently. "You wanted those cupcakes, didn't you?"

"How did you know?" I said.

"You looked at everything, but you looked at the cupcakes the longest, and you keep looking back at them."

I laughed. He knew me better than I knew myself. At that time, I thought Kureno was right- I could learn what I didn't know. I wished that I could stay in that moment forever.

In this moment, I could hear laughter filtering in from the kitchen. Long shadows stretched over the chairs and the table. In this moment, I was alone. I sat up and drew my knees to my chest. I remembered that day again- Shigure fed me the cupcakes by hand, one by one- the whole dozen. He said that he had never seen me eat so much before. I just laughed- life and food were delicious at that moment.

That day was 7 months ago- I was pregnant then, but unaware. Maybe I dozed a little, because I heard Shigure's footsteps coming toward me. I looked up and he thrust the baby at me. It was wearing a headband with dog ears and a onesie with the kanji character for dog on it. Shigure was all smiles- "Ha, I made the kids go to bed, but not before unpacking Ayame's present!" I could smell the strong scent of the red wine he had a few too many cups of, and of course, the smell of tobacco that constantly clung to him. He handed the baby to me and lay down beside me. Holding the child in my arms, I noticed that her onesie also had a small tail on the bottom. Really, why he insisted on putting the child in Ayame's ridiculous outfits, I had no idea. He patted my head. "Why are you sulking so much? You're sulking as much as you used to.

" The baby pulled my hair and chortled. I looked down at it, and knew I couldn't tell him. After the curse had broken, I used to tell him every night about the new me- I promised to not strangle my mother, to safeguard the true freedom of the former Zodiac, to make up for how I acted in the past. So, how could I tell him that I was jealous of a baby? That even though I had said I no longer needed the bond, that I wanted him to look only at me? I put on my best smile and said, "I'm missing the main house."

Glossary: **takoyaki: a dumpling with octopus pieces in it.**

**Yukata:a light kimono. Shigure is often seen wearing one.**

**Kanji: a Chinese character. **


	2. Chapter 2

Subtitle: On the Grave of Their Old Love, Part 1 Subtitle: On the Grave of Their Old Love, Part 1

Disclaimer- Fruits Basket does not belong to me, otherwise you would have never heard of it. Arcade Fire lyric used without permission.

Author's note: Sexual situations, underaged sex, dubiously consensual sex, babies, etc. I don't condone anyone's actions in this story.

From Shigure's point of view.

She was, wasn't she? She was glowing- her now long hair up in a bun with hair sticks- she was always contriving some way to get her hair off her neck- and she had eaten three bowls of rice. Her breasts strained against her white dress- they had become larger and just one caress could make her moan. She smiled brightly at me. Since the curse has been broken, her true smile has been coming out much more often.

I was noodling around with a new story on my laptop in Akito's former room. We had gotten into the habit of sharing it when I moved back into the main house, and after our marriage, we simply continued. Akito entered the room. Her mouth was set in a grim line. She had been talking to Ren again. Today, she was wearing gray slacks, and a white shirt, with a little lace on it. I could already see myself unbuttoning that shirt, and caressing the pale skin within. I could see her sliding those slacks off, revealing to me the lovely silken panties she had taken to wearing. I told her that we had plenty of time to make love in.

I laughed when she said we should use some birth control. I couldn't help it. She was already pregnant; I knew it. When she talked about how she didn't deserve to be a mother, I couldn't help but smile. I am really good friends with Ren. Akito only knows about one time I slept with her, and she kicked me out of the house for that, and so I keep mum about my talks with her. Ren truly hates her daughter. Her main goal in life is to make her daughter miserable. She is so possessed with the ghost of her dead husband; she doesn't even see her daughter. And Akito thinks she can somehow do worse?

--

Most people in the main house think that all I do all day is make love to Akito. Yes, I do a great deal of that. I've even enjoyed her in the bathroom during one of those boring business meetings we have to go to. I just smile when they say this.

For Akito, I visited Kureno in the hospital. Kureno was an idiot as usual. Even though Akito had stabbed him, and even though I hated him, he freely told me all he knew. If I were him, I'd be blabbing this stuff left and right. I told him this and he just smiled his vapid smile and said some nonsense about how he just wanted Akito to be happy. I remembered why I can't stand Kureno. Even if he's given until he has nothing left, he'll still try to give.

I'm a writer, so I shouldn't use this cliché, but I will. I now know where the bodies are buried.

--

I met with Hatori that Tuesday, as was our tradition. Hatori appeared with one of Mayu's handmade lunches. Maybe our relationship was cold, but her lunches were delicious.

"You brought some to share, right?"

Hatori sighed and opened his bento box. "Why don't you bring your own lunch, Shigure?"

I speared one of the octopus shaped sausages with the chopsticks I brought along specifically for this purpose. "You know Akito can't cook, and I'm not going _outside_ when you have a perfectly good lunch for two. I bet Mayu packs you extra for the days you visit me."

I savored the salty taste of the sausage. Sometimes it was nice to relive old pleasures. Hatori frowned at me. "You shouldn't take advantage of the generosity of others, Shigure."

I smiled. "I've always said I was the worst of men."

Hatori looked uncomfortable. We sat that way for a moment.

"Why are you so quiet, Hatori?", I said.

Hatori shook his head. "I just can't think of you as a father."

"So you found out, but how?"

Hatori looked at me, his mouth slightly open. "Akito came to me for some birth control, but she's already pregnant, but how did you know? Akito didn't seem to think she was pregnant."

"She didn't tell me about that. I thought she was just going to you for a check up. I thought she knew."

Hatori stabbed one of the rolled omelets. He ate it in that methodical way of his. "You've been…careful with her, right?"

--

I had never been careful with her. My mind drifted back to that first time. At that period of my life, I could think only of Akito. She'd let me walk with her in the garden whenever she was not in a terrible mood. I lived for those rare walks. In the shadows, I could put an arm around her. In the dark, I could kiss her. We continued down that path until I was almost at the point of no return.

I could remember Akito staring at me through tear filled eyes as I finished myself off. She sat up and quietly slipped her kimono back on. She was tying her obi when I pulled my pants back on. She stood up and headed back to the house without speaking. I jumped up and followed her, with my shirt in hand and pants still unbuttoned.

I ignored the clamor from the maids as I opened the door of her room. "Akito!", I said.

She turned towards me. "I'm taking a bath. I guess you can stay."

I could feel the steam coming from the hot water. The bath seemed much hotter than usual, but Akito slipped right in and started scrubbing herself hard. I sat down, looking at her wet back, slightly red from the heat of the bath. I could see a bit of grass in her hair. My hand itched to pick it out, but I knew that her mood could turn in an instant. Finally, she turned to face me.

"Do you hurt too?" Her face was flushed, maybe with the heat of the bath, but maybe she was blushing? I dismissed the thought. I had only seen Akito blush once, and I might have been imagining that.

I shook my head. I was kicking myself. I should have been gentler.

"Stay in next time."

It was suddenly hard to breathe. Next time? "But…you'll get pregnant."

She looked at me steadily. "I won't get pregnant."

--

I looked up and Hatori was looking at me with concern. "Are you ok?"

I nodded. "I was just thinking about the old days."

--

I had some free time, so I walked near the old storage room where Ren could sometimes be found. I did find her there. She pulled me close to her. Now that the curse was broken, there was no need to keep a distance.

She whispered in my ear- "What do you want?"

I pulled away from her. "I just want to chat."

She brushed her hair away from her face. Her perfume was strong today. I hoped that I would have time to change clothes before Akito smelled that anything was amiss.

"It's yours, isn't it?"

"Hm?"

"That stupid child is looking awfully pregnant nowadays, but she hasn't told anyone about it. She's not thinking of sneaking off and getting rid of it, is she?"

I paused for a moment. Akito probably was thinking of just that, if she knew she was pregnant.

"I'm sure that she's just being cautious. She's always been so sickly, and there's no use in getting everyone's hopes up for nothing."

Ren grunted. "I wish I had gotten everyone's hopes up for nothing, but it's tough to do that when you wake up one morning and four little boys are feeling you up."

I had to smile at that description. I had a hard time believing it now myself, but I could still remember that feeling of always waiting, of longing for something I couldn't express. That night, I found it, but I couldn't reach it.

--

A week later, I found out what Akito knew. I opened the door to our room, and found her sleeping quietly. Her eyes were puffy as they hadn't been since childhood. I gathered her into my lap. Her breathing was a bit ragged. I smoothed down her hair. She opened her eyes. She snuggled into my chest. She smelled good, vaguely of sandalwood. She breathed my name.

She was irresistible. I nibbled her ear. She was rubbing her belly tentatively. She knew. "Hatori told me. When are you announcing it?"

She stiffened. "I don't know. I can't have this baby."

I rubbed her back. The western style dress she was wearing was soft to my touch. "Aren't you a bit far along for that?" I knew she had been pregnant for months now- and who knew how long she had been before I had known? I had tried not to get too excited before, knowing that Akito was more likely to sneak off for an abortion and pretend nothing had happened than to have a child.

She shook her head slightly. "I don't know why you want to bring a child into this family. We're cursed."

I started to rub her belly. Sometimes I couldn't believe it myself, that the curse was broken. I found myself keeping my distance from people _outside_ sometimes, even though I knew the curse was gone forever.

"Akito, the curse is broken. I'll never transform again, nor will any other of the Zodiac."

She shook her head again. "There's more to being cursed than just transforming. I didn't need to transform to make Ren regret that I ever came out of her body. And Kureno…" I didn't want to hear about Kureno. It had been two years since she stabbed him. Couldn't she let him go? She continued, "He once told me that one of the head maids yelled at him for rescuing Rin from the Cat's room. She could have died there, and what would we have done then?" I heard her start to cry softly.

I rubbed her neck. "I guess I'm still sorry for anyone born in this family."

--

Tuesday rolled around again. I was looking forward to one of Mayu's lunches as I opened Hatori's office door. Hatori was looking through files as usual.

"Hi hi, Hatori!" I said.

He glanced at me. "You only come here to eat my lunch. You can have it- I'm not hungry."

He gave me his lunch and I took out my chopsticks. "Ah, onigiri this time!"

He quietly watched me devour his lunch.

"I actually had another reason for coming here, not that I didn't enjoy the cod roe onigiri. If Akito comes here asking for some help with her situation, don't give her any."

Hatori seemed brought up short by this. "Sometimes you still seem as if you hate Akito."

I smiled. "I love Akito. I have my reasons."

Hatori sighed. "You always do."

--

I took a walk in the gardens. I left Akito in our room, dozing. She had been quieter lately, sleeping more often. I was woken out of my haze by the sound of jingling. I moved toward the sound. I spied Ren hiding behind one of the trees and approached her.

"In the garden today? You're pretty bold."

She laughed, covering her mouth with her hand. Her bracelet jingled again. "I'm just enjoying the weather. How's the brat?"

"Akito? She's doing fine. She's taking a nap right now."

Ren just smiled. "I see." She turned and walked back towards her rooms.

She was up to something, I was sure of it. I sat down and tried to think of what she was plotting. It could be anything, from trying to make her miscarry to spreading rumors about the parentage of the child. I knew then that it was time to use my copy of Photoshop, and my collection of intimate Sohma photos. Don't ask me how I got this collection. There are some things you don't need to know.

--

The phone rang. I heard Kyo's rough voice. "Shigure, we're coming to the main house, and Tohru insists on visiting Akito. So tell Akito,ok?"

"Of course, Kyo." I said.

--

Akito was sitting at her desk. She seemed to be concentrating really hard on some papers. One day I was going to tell her that we are just rubberstamps for what others had already decided. She looked at me imploringly. I loved it when she needed me.

We met with Tohru and Kyo that day. When I saw her holding their child, I was overwhelmed with the desire to see her holding my child. She stared curiously at it, as if it was not quite human. Even though I had her, my desire to make her mine utterly was insatiable.

--

I had some time to kill, so I went shopping. Akito was cute sometimes when I got her gifts. She would smile as if no one had ever given her a gift before. Maybe no one had. People would give her things to curry favor, but no true gifts.

In a toyshop, I found the perfect gift. It was a small toy dog. I had never seen Akito play with stuffed animals, but I had seen her scornful glances at happy Sohma children playing with their toys. Akito would often scorn what she loved the most.

I returned, and she was laying face down on our bed. She told me about how she hated Ren. I guess Ren had played her hand already. I was glad that I had created the photos already. While Akito was packing, I could distribute the photos quietly. I did so, and we left the next morning.

--

Akito was sitting under an umbrella on the beach as I emerged from the water. The sea breeze and Akito, a perfect world for me. I sat down on her towel. She glared at me a bit and tried slide her knees up to her chest, but her belly was in the way. I tried not to laugh.

"Maybe we should go shopping for baby clothes sometime?"

She turned away. "Shut up."

Akito could be so foolish sometimes. She acted as if not buying baby clothes would make the whole issue go away. Maybe she had honestly believed that she couldn't become pregnant before.

--

The months did pass quickly. One night, I woke up and Akito was not there. Moonlight was filtering into the room we had claimed as ours in the summer house. She couldn't have gone far in her state. I took a walk on the beach, and I spotted her. She was curled up on the sand. Her hair was a dark pool beside her. I approached her and she was sleeping- snoring softly. I picked her up, which was slightly awkward- she had gotten heavier.

She mumbled in her sleep. "Don't leave me behind."

I stroked her hair. She sighed in her sleep. My arms were starting to hurt, but the house was in sight. I sighed with relief, but just then, she decided to wake up and start to struggle.

"Akito, calm down."

She managed to wriggle out of my arms, and run with surprising speed over the sand. I was faster and quickly managed to grab her.

"Akito, what were you doing?"

"Taking a walk", she said, in the tone of voice associated with her best lying smile.

"Taking a walk, alone, at this hour?"

"Yes" her voice turned harsher.

"You said you felt so bad about telling Haru that you didn't push Rin out of the window, and oh, you were going to be honest from now on, but I guess that was a lie."

She managed to wrench her arm out of my grip, but she didn't start running. She sat there, in the sand.

I patted her shoulder. "Where would you go, anyway?"

She shook her head and looked at me. Finally, she stood up and started walking towards the house. One of the house lights was on. The yukata she borrowed from me, as she refused to do any shopping for maternity clothes, was dirty, and her unbrushed hair was full of sand.

I had my butterfly under a cup.

--

A few weeks passed. Akito spent most of her time curled up in some corner, staring off into space. Sometimes she'd eat, and sometimes not.

I woke up a little before dawn. Akito was not in bed- her side of the bed was wet, actually. Maybe she had tried to run off again? Then I heard it. A low groan of pain from the bathroom. I opened the door. Akito was huddled near the toilet.

"Akito?"

She whimpered. "I didn't wet the bed."

"I know you didn't." Did she still remember Ren screaming at her for wetting the bed? That was 17 years ago.

I rubbed her back. Without the bond between us, even when touching her now, even when we were in bed, we seemed so distant.

She groaned again. "Really, what's wrong?"

She moaned. "Hurts…"

It was that time, wasn't it? "Akito, don't worry. I'll get you to the hospital."

I got my phone and called Hatori. "Meet us at the hospital'

--

I got Akito into the car. She slumped into the passenger's side and stared out of the window. Finally, she started to speak.

"It's going to be over soon, right?"

"Over?"

"Whenever I try to sleep, I'm kicked and kicked, and…I can just feel it. It's coming."

I tried to pat her hand, but she moved it away. "Akito, it'll be fine."

"I guess you're happy.", she sounded bitter.

"What?"

"You laughed at me." I could hear the pout in her voice. The same pout that she had when she first asked me to use a condom.

--

"But Kureno always uses them.", she said, sullenly.

"Kureno? You're sleeping with _Kureno?"_

She lifted her chin. "I can do what I want with my Zodiac."

I had been excited up to that point, but now I merely kissed her and walked away.

I found myself at Hatori's house. He seemed surprised when he opened the door to me.

"Hatori, you've slept with her, haven't you?" He seemed to know exactly who I meant without me telling him.

He shook his head "Come in."

I sat down on his couch. Hatori had always liked western stylings. I put my head in my hands. "She's sleeping with Kureno."

Hatori appeared with a cup of tea. "Drink." I did. The warm tea made me feel a bit better.

"Are you calm now?", Hatori looked concerned.

"No. You're sleeping with her, aren't you?", I felt my voice break.

"No, I'm not. Akito's a child, you know."

--

A few days later, she approached me. "Come to my room tonight." She made that simple order sound extremely provocative. I considered Hatori's words. They were sensible, reasonable, and absolutely impossible to follow. She smiled. She had me.

That night, I visited her. She was perched on her futon. I couldn't wait to hold her, and I did. I crushed her to my chest and started kissing her roughly. I pushed her down and started tugging at her sash.

"Do you want me that bad?' she panted.

"Yes." I whispered into her ear. "I want you so much I don't want anything between us. Understand?"

She nodded.

After that, I plunged into her as if I wanted to break her in two. She made soft noises of pain and when I was finished, she sat up.

"It doesn't hurt as much when Kureno does it." She shifted uncomfortably, and I noticed some blood on her thighs. She tried to cuddle up to me. "You're staying." It wasn't a question.

I pushed her away and pulled my clothes back on. "Can't your precious Kureno stay?"

I thought she looked a bit hurt, but she turned away and said "I guess he can. He'd be much nicer than you."

He would be much nicer than me. He wouldn't be thinking that it would serve her right if she got pregnant. He wouldn't be annoyed that she tried to cling to him like a love sick teenager.

I sighed. She was a love sick teenager. Hatori was right. She did just want to spend time with me. She knew how I wanted to spend that time, and she was happy to oblige.

My thoughts drifted back towards the present. We were at the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

She hoped that it would be over soon, but it wasn't

**Subtitle: On the Grave of Their Old Love: Part 2. From Shigure's point of view. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song title. A/n: Cosleeping is quite common in Japan, so Shigure's request isn't that odd. Also, I just made up Haru and Rin's careers here. **

She hoped that it would be over soon, but it wasn't. After twelve sleepless hours of Akito screaming, cursing and giving me death glares that would have reduced a weaker man to ashes, our daughter was born.

"She's beautiful! She looks just like you!" I proudly showed the baby, newly cleaned and wrapped in a pink blanket, to Akito.

"It doesn't. Get it away from me." She turned over, away from the baby and me.

"You really are Ren's daughter. Although, at least she'd look at her daughter…"

Akito was so easy to bait. She rolled over. "I'll hold the stupid thing." She allowed me to hand her the child.

She gazed at the baby, and then started to weep. I tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. That night, she cried herself to sleep.

--

After we returned from the hospital, things seemed to become a blur. The first night after we took Tsubaki home from the hospital- Akito declined to give the baby a name, and I had to call her something- Akito was not too pleased.

"Do you have to bring that thing into bed with me?"

"Yes, where are we going to put it?"

"Just keep it on your side of the bed. You wanted it, you take care of it. "

--

We soon settled into a routine. Diapers for Tsubaki. Bottles for her if Akito was nowhere to be found. Breast for Tsubaki if Akito could be persuaded. If Tsubaki wasn't too restive, I could try to find Akito in one of her hiding places. She had a few favorites- she loved the closet where the futons were, she would curl up under a sunny window almost any time and sometimes, I'd find her sleeping under the kitchen table. She would never come to meals with me, but I could figure out whether she had eaten or not by what was missing from the refrigerator.

--

Ayame came over with a bag overflowing with handmade baby clothes- he had been sewing since I told him, four months ago.

"Where is your lovely wife, Shigure?"

I shrugged. "Hiding somewhere."

Ayame looked a bit worried. "Well, I'm sure she would love my magnificent creations! I've made a variety of styles that a lovely girl or a strong boy could wear, since you've never told me what it was." He looked at Tsubaki, who was sleeping in my arms.

"She's a girl."

Akito shuffled through the open door and sat down on the floor. She didn't look well. Her skin had taken on a grayish pallor and her hair was tangled and dirty. She was still wearing my old yukata.

"Hello, Akito! Shigure was just telling me about your delicate and lovely daughter."

Akito just stared past him.

"Do you want to see the wonderfully designed and made outfits I've made for your beautiful daughter?"

Akito shook her head slowly, and started to weep.

I patted her shoulder. "Don't cry, Akito."

She buried her face in her hands. "I was so stupid. I thought it would be fine and I could be happy."

Ayame seemed to not know what to say for once.

"My life is over and Shigure is happy about it. He always wants me to feed the brat, and he always takes it to bed with him. He's probably happy I was stupid and got pregnant. "

I felt like I was frozen in place, and in the next hour, I kicked myself for ever thinking Ayame was a lightweight. It was he who directed a servant to lay out a futon for Akito to lay down on, it was he who called Hatori.

I tried to comfort her, but she lay down on the futon offered and refused to look at me or talk to me. She just whimpered.

Hatori walked in looking concerned. "What's going on?" His eyes took in the scene of me kneeling beside Akito who was curled into a howling, weeping mess. "Shigure, come with me."

We went into the next room and he slid the door closed behind me.

"What did you do to her?"

Tsubaki mewled and I held her a little closer. "I didn't do anything to her. Ayame just asked her if she wanted to see some of the baby clothes he made and she just started crying." I kept my mouth shut about what she had said. She acted like it was some sort of a sin to be happy about being a family together.

"So she was perfectly happy- smiling wide, cooing at the baby, and Ayame comes in with baby clothes, and suddenly she collapses into complete insanity?"

He'd gotten me. "Ok, maybe she was acting a little strange but she acts as if feeding her child or even sleeping in the same room as her own child would kill her."

Hatori shook his head. "I'll go and talk to her."

Tsubaki started to squirm and I rubbed her back to comfort her. Maybe I couldn't stay in the room with them, but I could certainly eavesdrop.

"Akito, what's wrong?"

I could hear Akito whimpering still.

"Akito, you can talk to me."

I heard Akito's voice. "He's going to leave, isn't he?" She started to whine.

What was she talking about? I never said anything about leaving.

"Has he said anything about that?", Hatori said.

"No…but he just seems so angry. He looks at me so coldly"

Hatori's voice was gentle. "Akito, Shigure loves you. Really, sometimes he doesn't show it…"

Tsubaki started to root at my chest.

Akito was quiet for a bit, and then she spoke. "He was happy. He'd look at my belly and smile. He wanted me to buy baby clothes, and name it. I couldn't do it. I don't want to even look at it, or be in the same room with it. He seems so hurt that I don't love it."

Tsubaki choose this time to start wailing. There was no way I could eavesdrop with Tsubaki making such a racket. I went to the kitchen and started to warm a bottle. Ayame was sitting there quietly, sipping tea.

"So how is Akito?"

I shook my head. The bottle was warmed, and I tried to feed Tsubaki. Tried being the word. She turned her head and wailed louder.

I sighed. "She'll take a breast in a minute, but sometimes she won't take to the bottle."

I jiggled her a bit, hoping she'd calm down. Ayame just watched quietly. I felt a bit nervous. A quiet Ayame? I couldn't quite grasp it.

Tsubaki finally took the bottle, and I filled the resulting silence by saying "You're quiet, Ayame."

"When Akito was that age, she'd stare at you for at least two minutes straight. But Tsubaki is totally different, even though they look the same."

Tsubaki seemed nearly finished with her bottle. "She's a normal child. Akito was possessed by a spirit."

Ayame shifted in his seat. "Everything seems so different now. The bond seemed so real and vital at the time, but when I look at Akito now, she seems so pitiful."

Maybe she had always been pitiful, but still, she was one of the most real things in my world.

Hatori walked in, looking guilty. "She's sleeping now. Don't wake her."

--

Maybe it was Hatori's visit, but after that day, she improved slightly. She mostly slept on the futon downstairs. She'd sometimes lay the baby on the futon and stare at it, or just doze there while the baby slept. She had at least picked a spot instead of changing all the time, but her eating hadn't gotten much better. I had tried to help by having foods that could be eaten cold and with the hands in the fridge, hoping that she'd eat more if she could eat without anyone seeing. Haru said that he and maybe Rin would be coming over for a look at the baby. Maybe he was able to forgive her now after everything that had happened.

I found myself going somewhat afield in search of something Akito would eat. I remembered sometimes that I could get Akito to eat when no one else could. I'd bring her little treats. She'd stare at them scornfully, but she'd put them aside, and wrappers and messy fingers would appear.

When I saw the cupcakes, I knew they were perfect. That day, she licked icing from her lips and said that maybe she would take entrance exams for college. She smiled and I felt her slipping into a wider world, a world where my butterfly would flit to many different flowers.

When I returned, Haru was there, holding the baby. I gave Akito the cupcakes. She refused them, as I knew she would, but her long looks at them made me sure that the second I walked out of the room, she'd eat them all. When I ate one, she looked like she wanted to eat it directly out of my hand.

Haru watched most of this quietly, speaking up here and there. Haru had really grown in the last two years. Not physically, but he had a quieter, more mature air about him. After Tsubaki had had one of her spectacular spit ups, Haru quietly came with me. He called Rin about my invitation to dinner, and we moved to the kitchen.

I poured him a glass of wine. It was actually eel tonight. I had only said an eel dinner because I noticed that Akito would often clean her plate of eel when we were at the main house.

"You came to see the baby, Haru? I wouldn't have expected you to come."

He was quiet for a moment. "I thought someone should come and visit. I mean, should I avoid her for the rest of my life? I thought I couldn't forgive her for what she did to Rin, but Yuki is right. Even if I don't forgive her, even if I blame her for the rest of my life, it can't change what happened."

After that, I heard a bit from someone who didn't share that philosophy. I was surprised that Akito took being berated so well, but when she yelled shut up, I knew it was time to come into the scene.

It seemed that Rin had berated Akito, thinking she was Ren. I guess she did look more like her, with her hair long. Rin sat down at the table. I poured her a glass of wine and she drained it quickly.

"Rin!", Haru said.

I just smiled. "If she wants to beat me in a drinking contest, she'll need to do more than that."

She glared at me. "I don't understand you!" Whether she meant me or Haru, I didn't know, so I continued sipping my wine.

"Understand me or not, we have eel, wine, and heck, I've got something that will make you laugh."

Rin brushed her bangs off her face and scowled. "I don't see how anything can be funny with Akito in the next room."

I drank some more of my wine. "I can think of plenty of things that are funny with Akito in the next room. Heck, I can think of plenty of things that are funny with Akito in the same room."

Rin was keeping pace with me on the wine, but didn't say anything more.

Haru put his arm around her. "I came here because I think that not seeing Akito makes it worse. It's been two years since the curse broke, but we still carry it around. I mean, Rin's preparing for her first solo art show, and I'm going to find work under a fashion designer. I thought of helping Ayame, but I decided I didn't even want to be that close to the Sohmas. In all that time, I've maybe seen Akito once, but we still act as if Akito is important to our new lives."

Rin glared at him and continued drinking. I guessed that what he said was true. Everyone had drifted away to new lives and new feelings. Even though I was happy about some of the changes, it was lonely sometimes.

Haru looked up. "Are you…crying?!"

I wiped my eye and shook my head. "Well, I'll show you what was so funny." I changed Tsubaki into a silly outfit, and they did laugh. The evening went forth on a happier note from time forth, until I sent the kids off to bed.

--

Akito was curled up on her futon. There was enough space for two, since she was so thin now from not eating. I lay down beside her and put the baby in her arms. She looked at it disapprovingly, as if it was at fault for her misery.

I made a gibe about her sulking, and she replied with a lie about missing the main house. Both of us knew it wasn't true, but maybe it was time to return.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Title: You've Got Your Reasons…and Me I Got Mine

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket is not mine, otherwise you would have never heard of it. BTW: I do not own the title. It belongs to Arcade Fire. Really.

Warnings: Cheating, sexual situations, spousal abuse, etc.

Notes: In Japan, birth control use is not as popular. And sterilization would probably be seen as radical. I made up the Hatori stuff. Also, Akito's bruises are from the sex scene recounted by Shigure in the previous chapter.

I could feel myself slipping. In the dark, with only the baby between Shigure and me, I could feel myself drifting back towards old feelings and old ways. When I saw the baby curled up against his chest, breathing softly, I felt the urge to strangle it. On a night like this, I could lay awake and think about how easy it would be, and how maybe I could somehow pass it off as an accident.

I got up. Shigure and the baby were breathing in time with each other. The baby made a small sound and I knew in a moment, it would wake up. I slipped out of the room and into the hallway. I found my feet taking me near Hatori's office, and I stopped myself. He would be asleep in his house at this hour, and probably wouldn't open the door after what I had done. I could still feel the warmth of his body on my hands. Maybe before I had been master of his soul, but now, I was just a woman who had half blinded him, a woman who would offer to cheat on his best friend with him if it would give her what she wanted.

His eye looked sad as he pushed me away. He brushed my hair back from my face.

"Akito, I'm sorry. But all this seems a bit drastic… Aren't you a bit young for an operation? And pills…I don't know… Have you talked to Shigure about this?"

Had he talked to Shigure about this? I was almost certain he had.

"Shigure shouldn't be meddling in my affairs, anyway. He wouldn't need to know at all."

I pulled closer to him, twining my arms around his neck. I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "There's a lot Shigure doesn't need to know." I could feel his interest in my offer rising. At that time, I was sure I had him. Before, he'd push me away at first, talking about how I was a child, and how he would hold me without it needing to be on a sexual level, but mostly, he'd give in. But now, he pushed me away again. He couldn't look me in the eye.

His hands on my shoulders were firm. "Akito, why don't you talk to Shigure about this." He left me there.

In the present moment, I could hear footsteps behind me.

"Akito?", Shigure said.

I turned around.

Shigure looked tired. The baby was awake, but it looked tired too. It yawned a little and I felt guilty for wishing it dead. Shigure stroked my hair.

"Akito, why aren't you in bed?"

I shook my head. "I'm just taking a walk."

He put his arm around my shoulder. I loved his smell and I leaned into him. I wanted him to hold me; I wanted his hands and mouth on my body. I wanted that so badly but I was so afraid that I'd lose control and end up with him deep inside me.

"Let's go back to bed.", he said.

When we got back to our room, he laid the baby on a futon. It wiggled a little and sighed.

I sat down on the bed, watching his face soften as he gazed at the baby. He sat down beside me and pulled me close to him.

He kissed my neck and then his hand went to my waist. His body was so warm and close, but I was afraid. His hands carefully untied my obi, and gently peeled back the layers of my kimono. He kissed my cheek.

"You're quiet tonight"

Of course I was quiet. There was so much I couldn't tell him.

"There's not something you haven't been telling me, is there?"

He knew, did he?

"Shigure…."

"Yes?"

I couldn't say it. Before, I could threaten or harangue and get my way, but now I wanted to do things right. Discuss things with Shigure like Hatori had said.

"Shi…gure…maybe we should be more careful… We weren't and we had an accident…" The baby made a small noise. I wondered if it was dreaming.

He laughed , coldly. I hated that laugh- it was like his sly smile, so distant.

"You seem so worried, Akito."

He pulled me close to his chest, and rubbed my back. He was quiet after that. I hated that distance between us. His breathing was slow and steady, and my heart was beating so fast I thought he could feel it. But I knew he couldn't. He was in his own world, with his own dreams.

--

When I woke up, the space beside me was empty and cold. I tried to remember if I had fallen asleep with this blanket around me. Maybe Shigure had tucked me in before he left. Did I fall asleep naked too? The door slid open.

"So you're awake, finally."

I looked up at Shigure. He was wearing one of my favorite shirts today- a light blue that really worked well with his hair and eyes. The baby was curled carefully in his arms in its little purple romper.

I felt torn between desire and fear. I wanted him to hold me, to love me, but I didn't know what to say to make things better- in the old days, I would have screamed at him or threatened him, but I wanted to do things better this time.

I saw him watching me. I tried to wrap the blanket a bit more tightly around myself.

"Are you cold, Akito?"

I realized then that he knew that I was naked under the blanket. He was such a brat. I wondered if he really thought that I would believe we had had sex last night just because I was naked.

I turned away.

"No, I'm fine."

He carefully set the baby down on a futon, and crouched down. He whispered softly in my ear "You sure look cold."

I slapped him. The motion was so automatic. He looked almost hurt and he cradled his cheek with his hand.

"What was that for?"

"Stop trying to trick me!"

"Trick you?"

"Did you really think that that stripping me naked would work?"

He looked a bit guilty. "But your clothes were nearly off already…"

"So what? You thought I'd just say 'we did it already, so let's do it again?"

The look on his face showed that that was exactly what he had been thinking. I felt myself shaking a little. I could almost see Ren's face full of rage as usual. In those days, she was mostly confined to her rooms, but if she really wanted to, she could go wherever she wanted. I hadn't yet caught onto her game of pretending to be a prisoner- whenever she appeared I was too angry to think about why or how, I just wanted her gone.

"I hear you've been screwing Shigure. Pretty convenient for him, I guess. He doesn't have to worry about transforming and I bet you open your legs for him whenever he wants."

Of course, she was right. I wanted him close to me, and when we had sex, I never felt closer to him. But I shouted her out of my room. I couldn't stand how she looked at me, as if I was ten times more worthless than she thought I was before. As if I was too filthy to touch.

I felt a hand kneading my back and warm breath on my neck. I felt myself crying and I heard Shigure's voice.

"Really, Akito, why are you crying? Sometimes, you seem so miserable."

I shook my head. "I'm fine, Shigure." I even tried to smile through my tears, but he looked even more worried.

"You were angry at me just a few minutes ago, and then you were crying and now you're fine.

I just stared at him.

He shook his head. "You're selfish and I don't understand you, but I love you the way you are."

--

I could feel the warmth of my sheets on my bare skin. I looked around the room and noticed that the baby was staring at the ceiling. I reluctantly got up and slipped on a nightgown. I picked up the baby, and it cooed at me. Shigure was right- I was selfish. I wouldn't kill myself. I now knew how the first god had felt. Being able to promise that you'd be together again no matter how many times you had to be reborn…. I knew we couldn't promise each other that. Even now, I remembered enjoying the feeling of Hatori's body against mine. Shigure would probably leave me when he found out, or even if he didn't, he would leave someday.

The baby whimpered. I was weeping, because I knew. Even if it ruined this child's life, even if I got pregnant again, and it ruined that child's life, I'd stay. I'd promise to go on living, no matter how much pain I caused to others or myself, I'd go on living so that I could be in the same world with Shigure.

I set the baby back down, and opened the bottom drawer of our dresser. I plowed past the ridiculous baby dresses that I shoved in there- I couldn't see how the baby could possibly be comfortable wearing ten pounds of ribbon and lace- and found the scissors. Even two years after the curse had broken, I still held onto them. Rin still couldn't forgive me, and she was right.

My hand was shaking as I took the first snip. When I hacked Rin's hair off, she made no sound and my hand was steady. Now, as it was then, each cut became easier and easier, and soon there was a thick mist of hair clinging to my night gown. The baby sneezed. I glanced and noticed that the baby had gotten some hair on it.

I picked it up and it started to grin at me. I dusted it off a bit. Ren was right too. My dream of permanence, of a never ending banquet was a delusion. I remembered watching as Hatori smoked a cigarette, wondering why he and Shigure both needed to smoke afterwards. Hatori glanced at the aging bruise on my breast. I shifted to try to hide it. He finished his cigarette.

"Maybe we should stop doing this"

I rested my chin on my knees. Before, I had seen his eyes flit towards the bruises on my thighs. His concern made me feel even filthier. I pushed my desires onto him without worrying about what he wanted, but he still worried about me and my pain.

"You love Shigure, don't you?"

I shook my head. At that time, I had only wanted him to be with me, and hold me. When Shigure was concerned things never turned out how I wanted them to be.

I heard the door slide open. Shigure walked in with a little bag on his arm.

He glanced around the room, taking in the hair all over the floor, the scissors by the futon, the baby squirming in my arms.

He dropped the bag. I saw a little tube of lipstick escape.

"Akito…may I ask what is going on?"

I shook my head. "Penance."


	5. Chapter 5

Another empty day dawned. Watery light spilled through the rice paper windows. I could almost feel Akira's feverish body next to me, but I knew the feeling wasn't real. He had died twelve years ago, and me with him. I could hear the maids bustling around, speaking in low voices. I wondered if they were talking about the pictures. They probably were. I was amused at the idea that anyone thought that something so childish would bother me; after all I had been through with that stupid child.

I could hear stomping footsteps and shouts in the hall. That executive pushed his way into my room, sputtering and making a racket.

"How dare you!"

I sat up in bed. "How dare I what?"

His face became redder and he brushed his hand across his hair which was just starting to thin. "Those pictures! They are disgusting!" His eyes wandered towards the opening of my nightgown.

I waited a bit until his eyes wandered back to the neighborhood of my face. "What pictures?"

His fists started to clench and unclench. "Don't act like you don't know!"

I flipped some of my hair out of the way so he could have a clearer view of what he so obviously wanted. "Akito keeps me locked back here, so I don't get to hear about what is going on very often…"

He shook his head. "Akito… now that he's decided that he's a woman all of the sudden, he decided to let that monster Kyo go free. My brother is drinking himself to death, and I know I can't sleep knowing that that monster is out there somewhere, disgracing the Sohma."

I had him. "Akito is such a disgrace to the family. And really, it's so convenient that he's decided to take a vacation with Shigure all the sudden!"

He nodded. "And that sham of a wedding! That _it _parades around with Shigure practically living in its room, and then takes up the whole New Year with the wedding. It's disgusting."

I nodded. I didn't see the actual wedding, since as appealing as it would be to ruin the whole mess with a big fuss, I became so sick I could barely get out of bed. That child…when the marriage was announced, everyone acted just as they had when it was born, as if the brat really was a god and they needed to make offerings so that she would bestow her blessings on them.

I smiled slightly. "Maybe we can teach that haughty brat a lesson."

--

After the disturbance of the morning, things went on as usual. My maids continued to fuss over me, one asking after my health, one bringing me tea. Every day went on like this. Endless and grey. With Akito gone, there wasn't even the meager excitement of thinking of things to say that would make her leave- fists clenched in anger- She wouldn't strike out as she used to, but I could see her anger in the set of her jaws and the in the slant of her shoulders. Good, I thought. Let her suffer as much she has made me suffer.

It was too bad she had run off with Shigure for a 'vacation'. Probably going to get rid of her little bundle of joy, and come back like nothing had happened. I cursed her. I could see her smug little face, blathering on about her delusions. I wished that I could have aborted her. In Akira's and I's world, we certainly didn't need her kind.

I remembered one day when the brat snuck into my bed. She had wriggled in between us. Of course, the little pest would have her arms around Akira. The brat didn't look as creepy as she usually did- when Akito was sleeping, the haughty way she held her head, the inhuman gleam in her eyes, faded away and she was like any other child. A child who decided to wet the bed all over me.

I jerked her out of my bed, and she woke up the entire house with her screaming. Akira moaned as he woke up. He struggled to get up. He was so thin then. He just kept getting worse and worse. I wanted to have as much of the time he had left as possible, uninterrupted by the squalling of a brat that no one needed.

"Ren...let Akito go...", Akira's voice was so weak. I let go of her arm, and she fell. Akira caught her in his arms.

Akito, always ready to be the center of attention, started to cling to Akira, wailing. His arms were so thin- he could barely take her weight, but still he tried to stand, and fell.

I shook my head. "Akira, don't try to stand. I'll get someone to wash her and change the linens."

Thankfully, the brat shut up then.

After that night, Akira's decline accelerated. The brat was set up in his sickroom, always watching. Sometimes she'd fall asleep right there, and Akira would let her sleep in his bed with him. I was in there as often as I could, even though sometimes I would be shooed out, even though I was his wife.

I shook my head. Those last moments with Akira... I couldn't stand how they seemed to be fading memories now. I could see Akito trying to visit with me more clearly than Akira's face now.

It was easier to see Akito standing in my doorway, trying to disguise her pregnancy with loose clothes. Akira was fading away, but that selfish brat was right here in my mind. She didn't care about whether her delusions were true, or how much she hurt people.

–

Time passed slowly as it always did. Without Akira, the main house hummed along in a dull way. I was catered to, but I was lonely. Without Akito at the main house, I could move around more freely. I always received plenty of secretive visits from various people who had gotten used to dealing with me from when the brat still thought playing lock people in the closet was a fun game.

Shinjiro, as that executive reminded me that his name was, came to visit me often. He showered me with dull complaints and silly gifts. I took his gifts and ignored his whining.

–

I heard she was back, and I decided to pay her a little visit. When I slid back the door, I saw Akito huddled in a corner, her hair hacked off. I couldn't help but be reminded of Akira, carrying the heavy burden of knowing he was probably going to die alone. I was pulled out of my reverie by a loud slurp. Akito didn't seem to see me at all. She hadn't even turned her head. I walked over to her. She knew I was there. She shifted away from me. I stooped down, and pulled her haori off from over her chest. She pulled away from me, but I had already seen it. The source of the noise was a tiny mouth on her breast.

"Don't look at it.." Akito held the baby closer to her chest.

I chuckled. "Why don't you want me to see? Are you ashamed?"

She didn't say anything. She just sat there, looking miserable.

"Is it a monster?"

She shook her head. "I wanted...things to be different. Bringing a child into this family...it's stupid."

I snorted. I knew that this would happen from the first time I heard that Shigure was screwing her. I didn't think that she would be foolish enough to keep his brat, even though she married him.

The brat had the nerve to look annoyed. "Why did you come here, anyway?"

"I thought I'd pay you a little visit. Things are going to be different from now on. You thought you could ignore our little agreement..."

She stroked the top of the baby's head, and glared at me. "You know we both can't leave, so I wish you'd stop trying to make me go."

"Both of us?" I shook my head. "What are you talking about?"

"Father's been dead for years, but you still hang on. You could have gone back to your family years ago. You would have never had to see me again. You could have been happy, like father wanted..."

"What do you know about what Akira wanted? You stole his last days from me, you bitch."

She turned away. "His last words were about you. I was never the one he loved the most.

I just wanted to think he loved me the most so I wouldn't be frightened."

I didn't say anything; I just slapped her. I waited for her to say something. I waited for her to hit me, strangle me, scream at me, but she just cradled her cheek with one hand, and the baby in the other. I noticed how much the baby looked like her. It had woken up and was staring at me with what looked like surprise.

I was sick of looking at her face, at its face. I turned and I left. I was sick of that bitch, sick of this house.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I've really struggled with the ending for this story, but I think some people wanted to see what the ending was, so I decided to post this as the ending. **

I found myself awake, listening to a snuffling sound. Akito was curled up on the futon beside me. Her back was toward me, and I could feel the tension radiating from it. Her cheek was still red and swollen. I tried to ask her about it, but she deflected my questions coldly, with an arrogance in her eyes that said 'don't ask'. The baby was wide awake, and I could see that she was working her way up to a cry. I picked her up and checked her diaper. She squirmed as I changed her. Her face contorted and she looked like she was going to start crying in earnest. I picked her up and took her into the hallway. She whined as I rocked her. She whimpered as I paced the hallway. Finally, she dropped off with her fist in her mouth. She seemed a little heavier in her slumber.

I turned to return to our room, but I heard soft footfalls behind me. The smell of roses, synthetic and heavy, stung my nose. I turned and stared into Ren's amused eyes. Her hair was hanging loose as usual, and the lace around the opening of her red silk nightgown snagged my attention. Very flattering. Maybe I could get Akito to wear one of those.

She stroked my shoulder. "Carrying the monster around while she sleeps? That's a devoted husband."

"Devoted? You flatter me." I shifted Tsubaki to my other arm. She was still sleeping soundly. I wondered what Ren was up to, with her flattery. Devotion? I could claim that, maybe.

"But aren't you tired? Doing everything for Akito, having her follow you around like a puppy... ", She lowered her eyelashes. Yes, I had to admit I was tired. I just wanted to lay in a soft bed, and sleep. I wanted to put everything- Akito's secretiveness, the baby's whimpering, my resentments, out of my mind.

"That photo prank was a good one...you'll have to show me how to do that sometime...". She flicked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. Every bit of her pose, her expression were calculated to entice me, and I was willing to be enticed.

I felt a bit lighter, as if the burden of Akito's stony moods, and the late night hell of feedings and changings had dissipated. Tsubaki was snoring softly in my arms. I told Ren to wait, and walked back into our room. Akito was still sleeping soundly. She haven't even woken up during Tsubaki's fussing. I sat down beside her, and stroked her hair. Maybe I could stay with her just like this. A fling would just be ridiculous. No matter how hard the reality of marriage was, I'd be by her side. I placed the baby near her side. Akito's eyes fluttered slightly. She whispered, "Hatori".

Maybe I was not too late to meet Ren after all.

–

She was standing in the same place as I had left her. "That was fast." She smiled a tight smile. She thought she was winning, I guess. We were pretty quiet when walking towards her room. I thought of other times that Ren and I had spent together. Usually, I would read some book that wasn't too heavy and Ren would blather on about how special her love for Akira was. I sometimes wondered how empty her life must have been beforehand for her to latch onto Akira like that. Not that I was much better- I spent half the day thinking about Akito. Even now, all I could think about was that despite the similarity of their looks, Ren's perfumed smell was so different from Akito's more natural tang.

Ren brushed her hair away from her face. "Leaving her alone with the little demon?"

"I'm sure she wants her baby near her."

Ren snorted a bit. "I guess she is glad her plan worked. Giving herself to you might have been desperate, but I'm sure she's happy to have gotten you to marry her."

I sighed. "Akito didn't know she was pregnant, Ren."

"That's what she told you, eh? Clever on her part."

I decided to deflect the conversation to other areas. Maybe that would get the image of Akito primly offering herself to Hatori out of my head. "Your outfit really accents your chest. Did you plan it like that?"

She smiled, and slipped the straps from her shoulders. There was much less to think about after that.

–

I woke up in a tangle of sheets and Ren's hair. I was sweaty, sticky, and maybe a little remorseful, imagining Akito clinging to the baby, teary eyed. Maybe I had jumped to conclusions. She was probably just dreaming. I had to admit that I hated that part of myself- that part that needed Akito so much, even her dreams seemed like a threat. I ached for a cigarette. Maybe I'd go, and borrow one from Hatori- to clear my head and get some perspective. I didn't want to see Akito's disappointed face.

I got up from what I might describe in a novel as my bed of shame, or maybe my bed of regret. Those little flourishes were always popular in romance novels. A shower would be necessary- I couldn't exactly go anywhere smelling like old sex and bad perfume.

I automatically grabbed the soap, and instantly regretted it. Rose scented soap would be an instant give away. I satisfied myself with splashing water all over myself, and the thought that that freshly showered smell would also be a dead giveaway. While walking to Hatori's office, I needed to think up an excuse for my behavior. Honesty was not an option.

–

Hatori was calmly looking through files in his office. I envied his unruffled precision. He probably wasn't imagining Akito putting her small hands on his crotch. Even if he was, he was imagining treating her like a little treasure.

"Uh...Shigure...if you want to talk, I'm not really that busy..."

"I just wanted a cigarette."

He reached in his vest pocket, drew out his pack of cigarettes, and handed me one.

"You two have been fighting, haven't you?"

I stopped short. At that same moment, I remembered that my yukata had no pockets, and if it had, there wouldn't be a lighter in them anyway.

"Why do you think we're fighting?"

He gave me one of his serious adult looks. "Why are you here instead of snuggling with your new wife and new baby?"

I looked away. "I just needed a break." I couldn't bring myself to ask the question that was burning in my mind. Maybe I needed to approach it differently. "So how are you and Mayu doing?"

He looked surprised at the change of topic, but managed to rein his expression in. "We're doing fine. Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering. Don't you ever wonder if maybe she prefers her ex-boyfriends to you?"

Hatori stopped short. "You were her ex-boyfriend...and well...I don't really worry about that."

I sighed. Maybe that was the wrong approach.

Hatori lit his cigarette, and took a drag. "People who are happy in their relationships don't worry about whether their partners would rather be with someone else. They just enjoy what they have now. Once you choose something, you find the good in it."

That was the logic of an adult. I somehow couldn't shake the feeling that Akito would be happier with someone dependable like Hatori by her side.

"I can't give her up to anyone. Even if she'd be happier with someone gentle and kind by her side. Someone like you, maybe."

Hatori glanced at his cigarette burning slowly away. "I don't think it matters whether she'd be happier with someone else or not- she's with you now, and you should be with her."

"Yeah, but even now, she says your name in her sleep. And well...since she's not exactly picky about who she sleeps with, I sometimes wonder..."

His reaction told the entire story. He dropped the end of his cigarette, and didn't even seem to notice it when I stomped the end out. He couldn't meet my eyes at all.

I hooked my arm around his neck. In a little...no...a large corner of my mind ,I was glad that Hatori was weak too. I had always envied his composure, his ability to resist Akito's words and actions. I would sometimes wish I had his strength- when Akito was involved, my brain turned off, and pure desire turned on.

"Heh, it seems that your hands are dirty too... or would that be..something else?"

Hatori started blushing slightly. Watching him squirm was delicious. "You could have told me! Maybe we could have taken turns..."

Hatori turned bright red. "Shigure, that's enough. Right now, your wife is sitting there alone, and you're worried about what she did a long time ago!"

I sighed. "You're still protecting her, but does she really need to be protected? Maybe she should just live with the consequences of her actions."

Hatori shook his head. "So, are you going to leave her? You're going to give up on everything you've done up until now?"

I was brought up short. Would I give up Akito for any reason? Probably not.

Hatori sensed my discomfort. We had been friends since babyhood after all. "Just go back to her,OK? I'll go with you."

I sighed, but let him come with me. Maybe I couldn't bear to face her alone. When I opened the door, Akito was sitting in the window seat. She turned towards us. I noticed that her eyes were glassy, her kimono in disarray. She seemed to be holding a bundle of blankets in her arms. She slid off her perch, and ambled towards us. The bundle started to fuss, and I realized that it was Tsubaki.

I thought Akito was coming toward me, but she pushed Tsubaki into Hatori's arms.

"It's hot, isn't it?" She peered up at him through her eyelashes. She took his hand in hers and placed it gently on Tsubaki's forehead.

Hatori nodded gravely. "She does seem to have a fever. Has she been nursing?"

Akito nodded her head. She looked a bit feverish herself,with her cheeks flushed and hair plastered to her forehead. Hatori carefully took the baby from her. He motioned for a maid, and efficiently ordered her to get the first aid box. In a few minutes, Tsubaki was comfortably wrapped in a blanket with a little gel pack on her forehead, and the humidifier was going at a soothing pace. Hatori seemed to think his work was done, and nodded at us.

"You two should patch up your fight soon. Tsubaki should recover in a few days, but if she stops nursing or doesn't use as many diapers as usual, call me immediately."

I glared at him. "We're not fighting." I glanced at Akito. She was shivering. Maybe she had made herself sick waiting for me to come back. I put my hand on her forehead. It was burning hot. "Maybe you should lay down too."

She sat down on the futon beside Tsubaki, and buried her head in her knees. "We'll be back in a bit." Hatori said, and ushered me out of the room.

I sighed. "What is it, Hatori? Why are you so eager to believe that we're fighting?"

Hatori shook his head. "What am I supposed to believe? That she slapped herself?"

"Now I'm a wife beater?", I said archly.

Hatori looked away. "I don't think that. It's just that sometimes she showed up with bruises, and bites... Nothing that really showed, but..."

I had been distracting myself from the image of Akito slipping her kimono away from her shoulders, exposing every inch of her skin to Hatori, but it flooded me now.

"I guess that was a through examination... What sort of kink is that? I knew she liked it rough, but..."

Hatori sighed. "I want to believe that you two can work it out, and I know you wanted to have this baby to link you two together even more, but remember...even Ren was fairly normal before she was driven into a corner."

I paused. Why did he bring up Ren? He doesn't know, does he? "Ren was normal once? I don't remember that. Anyway, leave us alone. You have Mayu now."

"It's not about Mayu, but I'll leave you guys alone. Just try to understand, OK?"

Hatori walked away, with his shoulders hunched.

I turned away, and opened the door to our room. Akito was still sitting there huddled in a little ball. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I cupped her chin in my hand and lifted it. She started to cry.

"I hate that woman." Why was everyone talking about Ren today? I dropped her chin.

"What woman?"

"That woman... She comes in here, all high and mighty... complaining about the baby, and acting like I can just leave..." She lay her head back on her knees, and started to sob. I rubbed her cheek.

"And this bruise?"

She looked up. "She didn't have to hit me." Her eyes were full of tears, and I felt a surge of protectiveness. I couldn't let this break her. I remembered how I first wanted to break her out of the chains of the curse.

When I arrived in her room that day, ink was splattered all over the walls. Akito was in a corner, pounding her fists on the wall. I approached her and saw the tear marks on her face. She looked towards me and started to say something, but I couldn't hear her. I leaned closer to her and she hoarsely said "I'm needed,right? You need me. If I wasn't here, you wouldn't be able to survive,right?"

I picked her up. She was light for her age, but still, she was getting too heavy for me to pick her up for long. She was stiff and her little muscles were so tense. I stroked her hair. She whispered, "We can't be apart."

Now, she reminded me of that little girl, trying to be strong, trying not to be crushed under the weight of the curse, of the Sohma family. I held her close. She was trying to love me and the baby as much as she could.


End file.
